Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
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*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.