I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
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Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*