ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
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Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Oh hi lol
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
first you must answer his riddles
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.