[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
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My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
thinking about a very short hotdog
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high