The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
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gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
pictures of spider-man
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!