If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
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Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home