This kid is going places
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need him
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
They grow up so quick
i really liked this one
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
My neck my back my allergy attack
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell