So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
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Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
We decided to have money instead of children.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean