The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
You Might Also Like
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.