“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
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This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Thursday Thought.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.