INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
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[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.