You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
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Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.