launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
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I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.