just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
You Might Also Like
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
“The Perfect Relationship”
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
oh you wanna fight?!
Duolingo getting serious.