There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
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Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
the three genders
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days