Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
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Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say