Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
You Might Also Like
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?