[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
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In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
they really do be looking like this
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood