I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
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I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily