I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
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9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Wikigenius
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
how do y’all walk in shallow water
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Good news
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.