ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
You Might Also Like
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
nyc:
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
As the Lord intended
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
I have a black belt in leather
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.