Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
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son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Do one person every day that scares you.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
synchronized noseblowing
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*