[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
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*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
prepare for carbonated trouble
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair