I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
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Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
IT’S-A ME,
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.