OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
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The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?