we’re gonna need another temp
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i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
What kind of a cult is this?
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time