This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
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Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.