[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
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I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.