HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
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[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
I just stopped by to water my horse.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
everyone has that one prude friend
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?