Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
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Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Realize this:
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.