A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
You Might Also Like
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
My therapist after every session
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”