bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
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I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?