[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
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Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Erm I’m gonna say no
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Straight people are cancelled
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin