When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
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All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?