We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
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Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel