I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
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me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.