[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
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INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
#JohnTravolta
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?