Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
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Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one