Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
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My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
i will avenge u mr van gogh
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars