* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
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sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
6: are snakes just neck?
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me