My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
You Might Also Like
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
just make the entire table out of coaster
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.