poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
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*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.