there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
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reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]