“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
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me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
#math
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home