Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
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If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
#StillHurts
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes