Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
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Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.