ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
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While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.