Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
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Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.