So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
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if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers