Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
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Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
pizza
I have a type: disappointing
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
#ProTip
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.